Exclusive: The next Conservative initiative – ending prohibition

Some nattering nabobs of negativity have been saying the Harper Conservarinos have run out of ideas, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Their legislation introduced yesterday to stem the hordes (10) of foreign stripper coming here taking jobs from our Canadian girls/guys/and others is bold and decisive leadership, and via my super-secret source in Ottawa (don’t arrest them please) I’ve secured an advance peek at the next groundbreaking Conservative policy initiative that will answer a longstanding need: they will be ending prohibition.

Documents indicate that next week the Conservative government will introduce legislation to make it legal to produce, purchase and consume alcohol and spirits. Once again beer, wine, rum and all the others will be able to be purchased legally and consumed freely in bars and taverns, outside smoky speak-easies and taking the liquor trade away from bootleggers and criminals. Regulation will be left up to the individual provinces.

Conservative talking points included with the policy memo charge the Liberals have failed to act on prohibition for far too long, saying it’s yet another thing the Liberals didn’t accomplish in their 13 years in government, along with figuring out how they get the Caramel into the Caramilk Bar and finding the lost city of Atlantis. No longer, the Conservatives say, will Canadians be held captive to the likes of Al Capone and his liquor mobsters. It's another example, they say, of elitist Liberals ignoring the needs of average, beer drinking Canadians.

The Conservative talking points acknowledge that prohibition was actually a provincial initiative and PEI was the last province to abolish it back in 1948, that Al Capone was American and has been dead for 87 years, and that alcohol is available relatively freely, but said if challenged to ignore the facts and instead focus on Paul Martin and Canada Steamshiplines and, if necessary, yell "Adscam" loudly while flailing your arms and then run away.

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