By Completely Satire
Prague, Czech Republic – While he feels Southern Ontario could definitely support a second National Hockey League team, Prime Minister and hockey historian Stephen Harper says he finds it rather convenient Phoenix Coyotes head coach Wayne Gretzky is now planning a return to Canada after spending most of his life outside the country.
Harper, speaking to reporters in Prague where he’s attending a summit with the European Union, was responding to the offer made by Research in Motion founder Jim Balsillie to purchase the Coyotes, which recently filed for bankruptcy protection, and move the franchise to an unspecified market in Southern Ontario.
Gretzky, a part-owner of the Coyotes and the team’s head-coach, is expected to move North with the team and return to his Southern Ontario roots after a career that has been largely spend outside Canada, including lengthily stays in Los Angeles, St. Louis and New York City before finally settling in Phoenix. The Brantford, Ont.-native was also a regular traveler to Europe and Russia for “work-related” activities.
“It seems very convenient that Gretzky is all of a sudden deciding to return to Canada, after a lifetime spent outside the borders of the country he now claims as his home,” said Harper. “Most of his life has been spent in the gated communities of Arizona, with his movie star wife, playing golf. Where was Gretzky during the Quebec referendum, when the fate of Canada was hanging by a thread?”
Prior to the media scrum, a communications official from the Prime Minister’s Office circulated a package of Gretzky press clippings to the media, highlighting one passage where Gretzky, speaking of his American hockey team, referred to them as “we.”
Hockey sources indicate Gretzky is expected to play a senior management role for the Canadian men’s hockey team’s entry to the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, a prospect Harper, who has been known to be writing a book about hockey for an exceedingly long time, angrily denounced.
“How can Gretzky expect to come back to Canada, after years and years away, and expect to just wrap himself in the flag and lead Team Canada?” asked Harper. “If Team Canada is defeated, will be just run back down to the U.S. with his Hollywood wife?”
Harper also pounced on reports that Gretzky and Balsillie refused to rule-out raising ticket prices to finance the franchise’s move to Canada.
“Gretzky is taxing and spending before he even gets back to the country,” said Harper. “And what does he stand for, anyways? Where’s his plan to deal with the economy? Why won’t he distance himself from a carbon tax?”
A spokesperson in the office of the minister of citizenship and immigration, speaking on background, indicated the government would be revisiting Canada’s citizenship laws with an eye to changing the rules around “Canadians of convenience,” such as those who use their Canadian passports only to get free passage out of war zones or to return to the country to manage national hockey teams.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
By Completely Satire