Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Dion Haters Handbook

Over on his blog so-called Conservative Olaf has published the Harper-Haters Handbook. We’ll need to track down the source of this leak, but in the mean time coincidently I’ve come into possession of a copy of the CPC’s Dion-Haters Handbook.

The first thing I noticed is it’s a much slimmer volume than the anti-Harper text. But then again, that’s not surprising. Conservatives have always decried bureaucratic red tape and besides, it’s much harder to find things to hate about Stephane Dion. Because, really, what’s not to love?

Anyway, the flyer is broken down into two sections: Anti-Liberal in general, and Anti-Dion specifically:

How to Debate the Liberals Without Having to Think Too Hard or Resort to Facts
Written only by Stephen Harper, with absolutely no help from anyone
Conservative Party Press

Fighting the Liberals

  1. Whenever responding to the Liberals or writing an attack of your own, the language you use is very important. For example, never use the word Liberal. While Liberano is still an acceptable substitute, Fiberal is now preferred.
  2. No matter what the topic, be it child care funding or national defence, be sure to include a reference to the sponsorship scandal.
  3. Whenever Conservatives are being called on a broken promise, just say it’s pragmatism and an example of The Leader’s superior political acumen. Then mention the sponsorship scandal.
  4. Whenever you’re seriously on the ropes, being called on any negative action by the Conservatives, you can always fall back on The Liberals Did It Too defence. Just change the channel by mentioning some past Liberal scandal, real or imagined.
Fighting Dion
  1. Much like the Fiberal rule, always refer to Dion as Citoyen Dion to remind people he committed the egregious sin of being born to a French mother. Resist Liberal attempts to rebrand him as Freedom Dion.
  2. Remember, since he’s a Quebec MP he must have known something about sponsorship, despite all evidence to the contrary. And hey, you’re from Alberta? Do you know Frank? Tall guy, black hair?
  3. Dion was environment minister for just over a year, that was plenty of time to fix all the so-called problems.
  4. We’re still working on more attack lines, so in the mean time just make fun of his accent and/or ask if we want another PM from Quebec because hey, we’ve never gone wrong with that kind of thing before, now have we?
This message will self destruct in 30 seconds.

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Olaf said...


Very well done, and very true.

Tim said...

Update, 1A subsection 2 of the Dion Haters Handbook...
Fiberal is still excepted however Liebral is prefered.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget about about the substitution of "Stephane" with "Celine". Celine Dion is a woman AND she's French, so she's an easy target of ridicule for many of these "tolerant" conservatives.

Suzanne said...

"So-called Conservative"...

What, Olaf's a Liberal now...???

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that the CPC would never use flowers as bullet points - too soft and would be seen as an obvious attempt to pander to the women who refuse to vote for them.

wilson said...

You forgot:
13 years of [fill in the blank]!!

Steve V said...


You never do, thanks for being predictable- you're like the sunrise.

Kevrichard said...

isn't that just pathetic, that post should be called " Being Childish in Political debate 101" I hate when people are like that. If you're going to stand for a side don't spew childish crap, prove your point with intelligent arguments.

Anonymous said...


Not bad, but Olaf's is better. Keep working on it though. Sounds like some good talkin points.


Anonymous said...

Insert this subsection...
When it comes to fashion, tweeds and leather patch elbows are the clothes of an ennui-ish communist thinker. Make sure to remind those fashion-wise people that Harper wears khakis and leather cowboy vests to show his manliness; Dion dresses like a dweeb because he spent half of junior high stuffed in his locker.

Red Tory said...

Certainly rings true to me.

I might add a few other epithets that are frequently heard: socialist, elitist, intellectual.

DivaRachel said...

very interesting...

Jeff said...

Liebral is prefered.

I must have been leaked a slightly out of date copy Tim, thanks to you and everyone else for the revisions.

What, Olaf's a Liberal now...???

Perhaps an inside joke Suzanne. He gave me a hard time recently for harping on Harper's so-called greenhouse gases thing, calling me a so-called blogger. So, 'tis payback. Don't worry, no need to repossess his secret Blogging Tory decoder ring...

pretty sure that the CPC would never use use flowers as bullet points

Seems to be the default in blogger. My attempts to replicate the skull and crossbones used in the CPC original weren't successful, alas.

Budd Campbell said...

This is really major material, a spectacular tribute to Red/Blue product differentiation tactics.

I think you misspelled Liberano. It's Librano, a term that was apparently coined by Kate MacMillan of SmallDeadRodents.