Tuesday, January 03, 2006

EXCLUSIVE! The missing Gomery terms of reference!

Stephen Harper complained today that Paul Martin excluded polling from the Gomery Commission’s terms of reference: CBC: Tories vow to clean up government polling.

It turns out he had really intended to have Gomery look into government polling, but the paper with that amendment to the bill got lost somewhere between the PMO and the House chamber (faulty paperclip, probably from a Liberal-friendly stationary). My sources in Ottawa have obtained that document, and as a public service I reproduce it here in full.

Appendix B, Gomery Commission Terms of Reference, Part Two

Ten additional areas of investigation having nothing to do with sponsorship at all.

10. Could you look at government polling, especially by my good buddies at Earnscliffe?

9. How much softwood would a woodchuck would chuck, if the Americans weren’t hitting it with punishing illegal duties?

8. Why in the heck did I ever made Jean Lappiere myQuebec lieutenant?

7. Besides pepper, what else does Jean Chretien put on his plate?

6. If we build it, will they come? And what is it? Is it bigger than a breadbox?

5. Who really, really, really killed Kennedy, JonBenet Ramsey and kidnaped the Lindbergh baby? (There’s a bonus if you can pin it on a Chretienite.)

4. Will Warren Kinsella and I ever be able to kiss and make up? I miss our long walks in the Gatineau hills.

3. Why can’t Stephen Harper smile without looking creepy? I mean, what’s up with that?

2. What’s the deal with Jack Layton’s mustache, and has he declared the income from his side job as The Video Professor?

1. And finally, investigate yourself. I’m sure you’ll do something crazy, like spout off to the media mid-inquiry and/or hire a former Brian Mulroney chief of staff as lead counsel, so have a look at that too.

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